I think whoever first suggested that men are from another planet is a genius. After the past month dealing with all my relationship drama, it has become crystal clear to me that men are not like us; they're not normal beings. They have a completely different wiring system than women that I can only imagine is due to extraterrestrial programming. It has been, and always will be, a mystery to me how men and women are able to get along so peacefully and love each other despite so many differences in thinking and behavior. How we are able to make it work as a human kind is beyond me.
A few years ago in my first Psychology class my professor explained the differences between the male and female brain in a way that really stuck with me. He said that men's brains are like waffles and women's brains are like spaghetti. This food analogy confused me at first, but after he explained it to us, everything clicked and I had one of those "Now everything makes sense" moments. Men's brains work like waffles because they have several separate compartments that are organized and methodological. Because of this, men can only focus on one thought or concept at a time, and have to completely switch gears into another compartment if they need to shift their focus to something else. On the flip side, women's brains work like spaghetti because they are a huge mess of intertwining and collaborating thoughts and ideas. Women can multitask and every thought, or piece of spaghetti, is connected to another. This professor certainly got it right. Every time I find myself struggling to understand the male race I think back to this analogy and remember that men have waffle brains and they do not think the same way women do. As frustrating as this is, it's a universal and unchangeable fact.
To begin with a positive, Fred and I are still on the same page as far as relationship status goes. I think. Neither of us want to be in an official relationship since I will be in Europe for the first part of the summer and then he's leaving to go abroad in September. We had a great, productive discussion a few weeks ago to clarify this, and it was established that if when he gets back from abroad we still have feelings for each other, then we can do this thing for real. But in the mean time we decided it would be a bad idea to engage in a romantic relationship before having to partake in a long distance relationship, and we thought it would be a better idea to wait until he gets back to reevaluate the relationship in the winter. However, recently it seems like every day is either a hit or miss with this man. Some days he will be over-the-top romantic and lovey, and other days he is nowhere to be found and will be almost impossible to reach. This is the point where I have to calmly remind myself that men are, in fact, a different species and that patience is key when dealing with them.
Because of this disconnect and desire to keep a casual dating relationship, we are still keeping our physical relationship at bay as to not amplify our feelings. We have had mutual romantic feelings for each other for the past three months and in this amount of time we have kissed once. Don't get me wrong, it was great, but it would probably be more beneficial to hold off on further physical activity until after he gets home from abroad and a set definition and understanding is placed on our relationship. I especially believe this is important since he has been so wishy-washy and unpredictable lately. The last thing I want is to continue pursuing a physical relationship with someone I cannot figure out emotionally.
The other day in my Psychology of Couples class I watched a presentation on how important it is to be friends with your partner before and during a relationship. This definitely reminded me of my relationship with Fred since we were friends for three years before our feelings started to develop. For this reason, I believe a future romantic relationship with Fred would be successful because we know each other well enough and are close enough friends to be able to talk and work through any and all of our problems (as long as he becomes more stable with his actions and how he behaves with me). And since Fred happens to sit next to me in this class, I was wondering if he was thinking the same thing about me.
I haven't really been able to figure out what my next course of action will be. There are so many options and I am weighing all of them to determine which one will produce the most successful outcome. Possible options include: continuing the casual dating relationship for the next two weeks of school and then seeing what happens over the summer, calling it off since he's being so unpredictable and unstable lately and I don't have the time or will to put up with the drama, or putting myself at a safe distance from him emotionally to allow myself more time and space to think about what I want. All are viable options, I'm just not sure which direction I want to go, which is weird since usually I'm pretty decisive about what I want. Unfortunately at this point, if I decide to terminate our relationship, it would be nearly impossible for us to return to being just friends, since so much has happened in the past few months and I believe we have passed the point of no return. Because of this, I am discouraged from ending the relationship and losing one of my best friends in the process.
It's funny because every session of Couple's Psychology has given me a new piece of advice or insight as to how to handle this relationship. Specifically, the class period about being friends with your partner and how friendships can develop into relationships, as well as the class about long distance relationships and the amount of satisfaction that comes from them. These are two aspects of my relationship with Fred that create our two main problems. They are not easy to deal with, but talking about them in class has definitely made it easier to handle. I think Dr. Markman needs to dedicate a class period to talk about how men and women are different species, and explain to us how a brain of spaghetti can effectively communicate with a brain of waffles, because I am still struggling with effectively communicating with this guy on a daily basis.
"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot."
-John Lennon
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
No Matter the Miles
A recent topic of discussion in my Psychology of Couples Relationships class and something that I am very interested in myself is the idea of long distance relationships. This has been especially relevant in my recent years because of study abroad and the effect it can have on personal relationships. Personally, I believe that long distance can work if both people are willing to contribute and are close enough to commit to making it work. I have the faith that long distance relationships can work and can even bring couples closer together by challenging their commitment.
While I was studying abroad in Sevilla, Spain this past fall, I was in a "complicated" relationship with someone and we both made great effort to communicate and stay close while I was there. We would Skype every once in a while and I tried to call him every day to talk for a few minutes. This worked great for us; we continued our healthy relationship abroad and managed to stay together while I was on the other side of the world. I can't say this made our relationship stronger per say because once I returned to the United States we started drifting apart and eventually terminated our romantic relationship. I don't rack this loss under my study abroad, since we were in contact and remained close while I was gone, but I find it particularly interesting that we began to drift once I was back again. I don't really know the reason for this.
In retrospect, I don't regret being in a romantic relationship while I was abroad, and it worked out wonderfully because we were both willing to commit to our communication and make the conscious effort to stay close. After having this experience, I now realize that it IS possible to make a long distance relationship work and I will certainly draw back from these experiences in my relationships to come. I do, however, regret the fact that it didn't work out between us after I got back and I wish we could still be together, but things happen and some things just aren't meant to be.
While Dr. Markman was talking about this in class I thought of my experiences abroad and made me wonder if couples who are separated by distance for an extended period of time stay together or if they're driven apart by this. I would like to believe that all couples have the power to make their relationship work despite the challenges that come with long distance and I would like to believe that they are reunited with even more compassion and love than ever before. I know this isn't accurate, but I still like to believe it to be so.
This is ESPECIALLY relevant because Fred and I just had a conversation about the possibility of beginning a relationship despite the fact that he will be studying abroad in the upcoming fall. Ultimately it was decided that right now is the wrong time to start a relationship since Fred wants to have a single study abroad experience. I don't blame him, it's understandable that having a romantic relationship with someone while abroad could prevent fun and exciting experiences. But I can't help but wonder, could it still work? Are long distance relationships a plausible idea for couples? I suppose it would be silly to engage in a relationship that has an ultimate end date; who would want that? But I still can't help but wonder.
I think it's humorous that Fred is, in fact, taking the same Psychology of Couples Relationships class and happens to sit right next to me. The first few classes were slightly awkward because Dr. Markman mentioned people who begin relationships that blossom from friendship (relevant to us) and how long distance can affect a relationship (very relevant to us). During these discussions both of us kind of shift uncomfortably and avoid eye contact because we both know these are issues we are currently dealing with in our own ways. Fred is a great friend of mine and I hope I didn't mislead myself into disaster by deciding to pursue him. It was certainly disheartening to hear him say all those things about a long distance relationship, but you can bet your bottom dollar that won't stop me from going after him. I follow my heart, and sure, my heart hasn't always lead me to success when it comes to relationships, but I still follow it, no matter what.
It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
- Peter McWilliams
While I was studying abroad in Sevilla, Spain this past fall, I was in a "complicated" relationship with someone and we both made great effort to communicate and stay close while I was there. We would Skype every once in a while and I tried to call him every day to talk for a few minutes. This worked great for us; we continued our healthy relationship abroad and managed to stay together while I was on the other side of the world. I can't say this made our relationship stronger per say because once I returned to the United States we started drifting apart and eventually terminated our romantic relationship. I don't rack this loss under my study abroad, since we were in contact and remained close while I was gone, but I find it particularly interesting that we began to drift once I was back again. I don't really know the reason for this.
In retrospect, I don't regret being in a romantic relationship while I was abroad, and it worked out wonderfully because we were both willing to commit to our communication and make the conscious effort to stay close. After having this experience, I now realize that it IS possible to make a long distance relationship work and I will certainly draw back from these experiences in my relationships to come. I do, however, regret the fact that it didn't work out between us after I got back and I wish we could still be together, but things happen and some things just aren't meant to be.
While Dr. Markman was talking about this in class I thought of my experiences abroad and made me wonder if couples who are separated by distance for an extended period of time stay together or if they're driven apart by this. I would like to believe that all couples have the power to make their relationship work despite the challenges that come with long distance and I would like to believe that they are reunited with even more compassion and love than ever before. I know this isn't accurate, but I still like to believe it to be so.
This is ESPECIALLY relevant because Fred and I just had a conversation about the possibility of beginning a relationship despite the fact that he will be studying abroad in the upcoming fall. Ultimately it was decided that right now is the wrong time to start a relationship since Fred wants to have a single study abroad experience. I don't blame him, it's understandable that having a romantic relationship with someone while abroad could prevent fun and exciting experiences. But I can't help but wonder, could it still work? Are long distance relationships a plausible idea for couples? I suppose it would be silly to engage in a relationship that has an ultimate end date; who would want that? But I still can't help but wonder.
I think it's humorous that Fred is, in fact, taking the same Psychology of Couples Relationships class and happens to sit right next to me. The first few classes were slightly awkward because Dr. Markman mentioned people who begin relationships that blossom from friendship (relevant to us) and how long distance can affect a relationship (very relevant to us). During these discussions both of us kind of shift uncomfortably and avoid eye contact because we both know these are issues we are currently dealing with in our own ways. Fred is a great friend of mine and I hope I didn't mislead myself into disaster by deciding to pursue him. It was certainly disheartening to hear him say all those things about a long distance relationship, but you can bet your bottom dollar that won't stop me from going after him. I follow my heart, and sure, my heart hasn't always lead me to success when it comes to relationships, but I still follow it, no matter what.
It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
- Peter McWilliams
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The Safety Bubble
A burning question I have always wondered is whether or not it's true that you should marry your best friend. People have always told me this, and many of the happy couples I know began as good friends and evolved into lovers over time. Lately this concept has been a struggle for me, as I am currently debating whether or not to initiate a possible romantic relationship with someone I have been friends with since freshman year. It always seems to work out for other people, but I still wonder if the same would work out in our case. Also, for the sake of anonymity, I'll call this man Fred.
I have always considered Fred to be a best friend of mine and I have never really seen him in a romantic way, until recently. A few weeks ago I decided to "evaluate" all of my relationships from the past and all the people I am currently interested in dating. Fred was not in this group since I never considered him a romantic interest. I realized that I have not held any strong romantic relationships in my college life because I am chasing after the wrong type of boyfriend. Freshman and sophomore year I wanted guys who were strong, manly, and romantic. Basically someone who I could show off and feel proud to have on my arm. After my evaluation I realized I was chasing shallow characteristics and superficial men. I reorganized my priorities and figured out that the reason none of these relationships have been successful is because I wasn't happy. Therefore, I simplified my values and decided that all I want out of a relationship is someone who makes me happy.
I thought about all the men in my life and when I came to think about Fred, I remembered all the good times we've had together in the past three years and the fact that there is no such thing as a boring moment with this man. He makes me happy. This hit me like a ton of bricks since I've never seen Fred as a romantic potential, but almost immediately I started to fall for him. The more we saw each other and spent time together the more I came to realize that, yes, this is what I want. I just want to be happy.
As of a few days ago, it has been established that we have feelings for each other and would like to spend more time together on dates and so forth. Aside from this, there are several questions still cluttering my thoughts and preventing me from further pursuing Fred. How will this affect our friendship that we've spent three years building? Would we be able to regress to our original friendship if we broke up? How easy would it be for us to progress our romantic relationship after being friends for such a great amount of time? HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS? I have never before pursued one of my friends, so I am anticipating that this will be a great adventure and learning experience. All the relationships I have ever been in began as original romantic interest, not as friendship.
I am also making sure that the physical aspect of this relationship moves at snail speed, because the easiest way (in my opinion) to screw up a romantic relationship is to move too fast and do things that someone isn't necessarily ready for. Whenever Fred and I watch a movie or hang out in his apartment I always sit on a chair rather than on the couch next to him and when it comes time to leave I give him a quick hug and bolt out of there before he has the time to "make a move". I know that my relationship with Fred is currently unstable and undefined, so I am making sure that all of our decisions about whether or not to date stem from our compatibility and feelings for each other rather than physical connections.
I greatly enjoy the "safety bubble" stage of this relationship because it's the stage of mystery and discovery. Everything is up in the air and it takes effort to uncover another person's true feelings and desires. It's like a game of cat and mouse and quite honestly, it's fun. Even though I am aware that the possibility of pursuing a relationship with Fred can damage and even terminate our friendship, I think I am willing to take that leap of faith for the possibility of something more. Ultimately I have to decide whether the possible benefits of pursuing him outweigh the possible risks of damaging the friendship. In the mean time, I plan to continue moving at glacial speed until we can uncover the true meaning underlying our friendship.
Faith makes all things possible . . . Love makes all things easy.
- Dwight L. Moody
I have always considered Fred to be a best friend of mine and I have never really seen him in a romantic way, until recently. A few weeks ago I decided to "evaluate" all of my relationships from the past and all the people I am currently interested in dating. Fred was not in this group since I never considered him a romantic interest. I realized that I have not held any strong romantic relationships in my college life because I am chasing after the wrong type of boyfriend. Freshman and sophomore year I wanted guys who were strong, manly, and romantic. Basically someone who I could show off and feel proud to have on my arm. After my evaluation I realized I was chasing shallow characteristics and superficial men. I reorganized my priorities and figured out that the reason none of these relationships have been successful is because I wasn't happy. Therefore, I simplified my values and decided that all I want out of a relationship is someone who makes me happy.
I thought about all the men in my life and when I came to think about Fred, I remembered all the good times we've had together in the past three years and the fact that there is no such thing as a boring moment with this man. He makes me happy. This hit me like a ton of bricks since I've never seen Fred as a romantic potential, but almost immediately I started to fall for him. The more we saw each other and spent time together the more I came to realize that, yes, this is what I want. I just want to be happy.
As of a few days ago, it has been established that we have feelings for each other and would like to spend more time together on dates and so forth. Aside from this, there are several questions still cluttering my thoughts and preventing me from further pursuing Fred. How will this affect our friendship that we've spent three years building? Would we be able to regress to our original friendship if we broke up? How easy would it be for us to progress our romantic relationship after being friends for such a great amount of time? HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS? I have never before pursued one of my friends, so I am anticipating that this will be a great adventure and learning experience. All the relationships I have ever been in began as original romantic interest, not as friendship.
I am also making sure that the physical aspect of this relationship moves at snail speed, because the easiest way (in my opinion) to screw up a romantic relationship is to move too fast and do things that someone isn't necessarily ready for. Whenever Fred and I watch a movie or hang out in his apartment I always sit on a chair rather than on the couch next to him and when it comes time to leave I give him a quick hug and bolt out of there before he has the time to "make a move". I know that my relationship with Fred is currently unstable and undefined, so I am making sure that all of our decisions about whether or not to date stem from our compatibility and feelings for each other rather than physical connections.
I greatly enjoy the "safety bubble" stage of this relationship because it's the stage of mystery and discovery. Everything is up in the air and it takes effort to uncover another person's true feelings and desires. It's like a game of cat and mouse and quite honestly, it's fun. Even though I am aware that the possibility of pursuing a relationship with Fred can damage and even terminate our friendship, I think I am willing to take that leap of faith for the possibility of something more. Ultimately I have to decide whether the possible benefits of pursuing him outweigh the possible risks of damaging the friendship. In the mean time, I plan to continue moving at glacial speed until we can uncover the true meaning underlying our friendship.
Faith makes all things possible . . . Love makes all things easy.
- Dwight L. Moody
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