A recent topic of discussion in my Psychology of Couples Relationships class and something that I am very interested in myself is the idea of long distance relationships. This has been especially relevant in my recent years because of study abroad and the effect it can have on personal relationships. Personally, I believe that long distance can work if both people are willing to contribute and are close enough to commit to making it work. I have the faith that long distance relationships can work and can even bring couples closer together by challenging their commitment.
While I was studying abroad in Sevilla, Spain this past fall, I was in a "complicated" relationship with someone and we both made great effort to communicate and stay close while I was there. We would Skype every once in a while and I tried to call him every day to talk for a few minutes. This worked great for us; we continued our healthy relationship abroad and managed to stay together while I was on the other side of the world. I can't say this made our relationship stronger per say because once I returned to the United States we started drifting apart and eventually terminated our romantic relationship. I don't rack this loss under my study abroad, since we were in contact and remained close while I was gone, but I find it particularly interesting that we began to drift once I was back again. I don't really know the reason for this.
In retrospect, I don't regret being in a romantic relationship while I was abroad, and it worked out wonderfully because we were both willing to commit to our communication and make the conscious effort to stay close. After having this experience, I now realize that it IS possible to make a long distance relationship work and I will certainly draw back from these experiences in my relationships to come. I do, however, regret the fact that it didn't work out between us after I got back and I wish we could still be together, but things happen and some things just aren't meant to be.
While Dr. Markman was talking about this in class I thought of my experiences abroad and made me wonder if couples who are separated by distance for an extended period of time stay together or if they're driven apart by this. I would like to believe that all couples have the power to make their relationship work despite the challenges that come with long distance and I would like to believe that they are reunited with even more compassion and love than ever before. I know this isn't accurate, but I still like to believe it to be so.
This is ESPECIALLY relevant because Fred and I just had a conversation about the possibility of beginning a relationship despite the fact that he will be studying abroad in the upcoming fall. Ultimately it was decided that right now is the wrong time to start a relationship since Fred wants to have a single study abroad experience. I don't blame him, it's understandable that having a romantic relationship with someone while abroad could prevent fun and exciting experiences. But I can't help but wonder, could it still work? Are long distance relationships a plausible idea for couples? I suppose it would be silly to engage in a relationship that has an ultimate end date; who would want that? But I still can't help but wonder.
I think it's humorous that Fred is, in fact, taking the same Psychology of Couples Relationships class and happens to sit right next to me. The first few classes were slightly awkward because Dr. Markman mentioned people who begin relationships that blossom from friendship (relevant to us) and how long distance can affect a relationship (very relevant to us). During these discussions both of us kind of shift uncomfortably and avoid eye contact because we both know these are issues we are currently dealing with in our own ways. Fred is a great friend of mine and I hope I didn't mislead myself into disaster by deciding to pursue him. It was certainly disheartening to hear him say all those things about a long distance relationship, but you can bet your bottom dollar that won't stop me from going after him. I follow my heart, and sure, my heart hasn't always lead me to success when it comes to relationships, but I still follow it, no matter what.
It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does.
- Peter McWilliams
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The Safety Bubble
A burning question I have always wondered is whether or not it's true that you should marry your best friend. People have always told me this, and many of the happy couples I know began as good friends and evolved into lovers over time. Lately this concept has been a struggle for me, as I am currently debating whether or not to initiate a possible romantic relationship with someone I have been friends with since freshman year. It always seems to work out for other people, but I still wonder if the same would work out in our case. Also, for the sake of anonymity, I'll call this man Fred.
I have always considered Fred to be a best friend of mine and I have never really seen him in a romantic way, until recently. A few weeks ago I decided to "evaluate" all of my relationships from the past and all the people I am currently interested in dating. Fred was not in this group since I never considered him a romantic interest. I realized that I have not held any strong romantic relationships in my college life because I am chasing after the wrong type of boyfriend. Freshman and sophomore year I wanted guys who were strong, manly, and romantic. Basically someone who I could show off and feel proud to have on my arm. After my evaluation I realized I was chasing shallow characteristics and superficial men. I reorganized my priorities and figured out that the reason none of these relationships have been successful is because I wasn't happy. Therefore, I simplified my values and decided that all I want out of a relationship is someone who makes me happy.
I thought about all the men in my life and when I came to think about Fred, I remembered all the good times we've had together in the past three years and the fact that there is no such thing as a boring moment with this man. He makes me happy. This hit me like a ton of bricks since I've never seen Fred as a romantic potential, but almost immediately I started to fall for him. The more we saw each other and spent time together the more I came to realize that, yes, this is what I want. I just want to be happy.
As of a few days ago, it has been established that we have feelings for each other and would like to spend more time together on dates and so forth. Aside from this, there are several questions still cluttering my thoughts and preventing me from further pursuing Fred. How will this affect our friendship that we've spent three years building? Would we be able to regress to our original friendship if we broke up? How easy would it be for us to progress our romantic relationship after being friends for such a great amount of time? HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS? I have never before pursued one of my friends, so I am anticipating that this will be a great adventure and learning experience. All the relationships I have ever been in began as original romantic interest, not as friendship.
I am also making sure that the physical aspect of this relationship moves at snail speed, because the easiest way (in my opinion) to screw up a romantic relationship is to move too fast and do things that someone isn't necessarily ready for. Whenever Fred and I watch a movie or hang out in his apartment I always sit on a chair rather than on the couch next to him and when it comes time to leave I give him a quick hug and bolt out of there before he has the time to "make a move". I know that my relationship with Fred is currently unstable and undefined, so I am making sure that all of our decisions about whether or not to date stem from our compatibility and feelings for each other rather than physical connections.
I greatly enjoy the "safety bubble" stage of this relationship because it's the stage of mystery and discovery. Everything is up in the air and it takes effort to uncover another person's true feelings and desires. It's like a game of cat and mouse and quite honestly, it's fun. Even though I am aware that the possibility of pursuing a relationship with Fred can damage and even terminate our friendship, I think I am willing to take that leap of faith for the possibility of something more. Ultimately I have to decide whether the possible benefits of pursuing him outweigh the possible risks of damaging the friendship. In the mean time, I plan to continue moving at glacial speed until we can uncover the true meaning underlying our friendship.
Faith makes all things possible . . . Love makes all things easy.
- Dwight L. Moody
I have always considered Fred to be a best friend of mine and I have never really seen him in a romantic way, until recently. A few weeks ago I decided to "evaluate" all of my relationships from the past and all the people I am currently interested in dating. Fred was not in this group since I never considered him a romantic interest. I realized that I have not held any strong romantic relationships in my college life because I am chasing after the wrong type of boyfriend. Freshman and sophomore year I wanted guys who were strong, manly, and romantic. Basically someone who I could show off and feel proud to have on my arm. After my evaluation I realized I was chasing shallow characteristics and superficial men. I reorganized my priorities and figured out that the reason none of these relationships have been successful is because I wasn't happy. Therefore, I simplified my values and decided that all I want out of a relationship is someone who makes me happy.
I thought about all the men in my life and when I came to think about Fred, I remembered all the good times we've had together in the past three years and the fact that there is no such thing as a boring moment with this man. He makes me happy. This hit me like a ton of bricks since I've never seen Fred as a romantic potential, but almost immediately I started to fall for him. The more we saw each other and spent time together the more I came to realize that, yes, this is what I want. I just want to be happy.
As of a few days ago, it has been established that we have feelings for each other and would like to spend more time together on dates and so forth. Aside from this, there are several questions still cluttering my thoughts and preventing me from further pursuing Fred. How will this affect our friendship that we've spent three years building? Would we be able to regress to our original friendship if we broke up? How easy would it be for us to progress our romantic relationship after being friends for such a great amount of time? HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS? I have never before pursued one of my friends, so I am anticipating that this will be a great adventure and learning experience. All the relationships I have ever been in began as original romantic interest, not as friendship.
I am also making sure that the physical aspect of this relationship moves at snail speed, because the easiest way (in my opinion) to screw up a romantic relationship is to move too fast and do things that someone isn't necessarily ready for. Whenever Fred and I watch a movie or hang out in his apartment I always sit on a chair rather than on the couch next to him and when it comes time to leave I give him a quick hug and bolt out of there before he has the time to "make a move". I know that my relationship with Fred is currently unstable and undefined, so I am making sure that all of our decisions about whether or not to date stem from our compatibility and feelings for each other rather than physical connections.
I greatly enjoy the "safety bubble" stage of this relationship because it's the stage of mystery and discovery. Everything is up in the air and it takes effort to uncover another person's true feelings and desires. It's like a game of cat and mouse and quite honestly, it's fun. Even though I am aware that the possibility of pursuing a relationship with Fred can damage and even terminate our friendship, I think I am willing to take that leap of faith for the possibility of something more. Ultimately I have to decide whether the possible benefits of pursuing him outweigh the possible risks of damaging the friendship. In the mean time, I plan to continue moving at glacial speed until we can uncover the true meaning underlying our friendship.
Faith makes all things possible . . . Love makes all things easy.
- Dwight L. Moody
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